[i won't let this build up inside of me.]

Pancakes!

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:52:14 GMT

So last night I went bowling with my brother and his friends, and we were there until 2am. When we got done, Neil was like, "I'm hungry. Let's go get some food!" After much deliberation, I suggested we go to IHOP, and the group concurred.

Let me just say that I ate waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much food and I still feel gross from that. Those commercials on TV for the "Discover America Pancakes" have been torturing me for weeks now, so I ordered the New York Strawberry Cheesecake pancakes. They did not taste like cheesecake at all, but they were still good.

At around 3am, a very very large black man walked in and sat down two tables away from us. Everyone in the restaraunt looked up. The waitress at our table quietly said, "That is the largest man I have ever seen!" The moment he walked past our table, I knew who it was. Oh yes, it was Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq was sitting in a booth by himself, but he was conversing with the five guys at the table next to his. It seemed as if they were already aquainted. Or maybe those guys were just harrassing Shaq as everyone else in the restaurant seemed tempted to do. I swear to God, his bicep alone is almost as thick as my torso.

I was trying not to make a big deal about it, as I'm sure most celebrities find it annoying that they can't even go to IHOP at 3am and just eat in peace, but Neil's friends could not stop whispering about "is that really him?" and "I'm totally going to get a picture with him," etc. This girl sitting with us works at a restaurant at Universal Studios and she was saying that it's company policy not to ask for or accept any autographs and shit from celebrities while on duty, so she said "I'm not at work, I'm totally going to ask him this time." And one of the guys with us said, "What if he gets upset?" and the other guy with us said something like, "Yeah, he could kick your ass." And my brother goes, "You mean like a Shaq Attack?"

I started laughing so hard that the whole restaurant was now looking at me. Including Shaq, I think.

But what I really wanted to do was to walk up to him and use my phone to take a video of him saying, "Don't shit your pants, Eric!" (Haha, Glencoe Hills FTW!)

He owns like 5 houses in Florida, and I know at least one is here in the Orlando area. A customer at my cafe had spotted Shaq late last week, so when he came into IHOP last night I was not surprised. Next time I see him, I will definitely get that video!

Happy

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:24:54 GMT

So I'm in this new band called Born From Ashes, and we're fucking awesome. Get ready for this, cuz it's gonna rock your socks off. I've written lyrics for two songs now. Writing is really hard because I just beat myself up mentally through the whole process. I obsess over every word, but I feel a real sense of accomplishment once I'm done. I can't wait till we can start playing shows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to Backbooth with my guitarist Ben on Sunday night to see his old band play, and the headliner was this band from Germany called The Ocean. HOLY CRAP, they were amazing! It's kinda like Chimaira only waaaaaaaaaay progressive. They are made up of a whole slew of musicians that colaborated to put the album together, although the live show only consisted of six guys (including two vocalists). I absolutely bought their CD on the spot. Love it.

Jonny and his band just got back from a five-day trip to the Bieler Bros. studio in Pompano Beach to record their EP. I can't wait to hear it. I'm sure it's going to be awesome. I am so glad he's back cuz it was kinda lame without him around.

At work, I'm finally getting more hours and I'm about to get a raise. We are moving to a new (read: better) location, so business should improve and then they can pay me more, and when they need to hire more people perhaps I will get to be a manager.

Summer is upon us, folks. The temperature has been holding steady around 92 degrees all week long. It is hot!

I'm hot shit.

Thu, 22 May 2008 20:09:46 GMT

He can't get enough of me. I've spent time with him on five of the last six days.

Still no "L" word... hmmm.

Meanwhile, my gastritis has come back. UGH. Please kill me.

Kindred Spirits

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 04:19:51 GMT

I just had a wonderful epiphany tonight. I just started thinking about the loves of my life... Everyone I'd ever loved, and anyone who ever made me feel loved in return, no matter how brief or tumultuous our relationship was. I thought about the good times, and how it felt when I thought my heart would burst.

I recalled the things I liked most about each person. I thought about how easy we felt around each other, so genuine and earnest. Or I thought about all the laughter we shared. I thought about the truth you brought to my life. I thought about all of your faces. I thought about the thrill of living with passion. I thought about the magnetism. It was intensely bittersweet.

I relived those moments, and suddenly all the tragedies of my life seemed easier. Not that they didn't hurt, but they make the pleasures of life that much sweeter by comparison. Every time hurts more than the last, but that is the price and I am willing to pay for all that I have had. I appreciate the tragedies of my life because the ache of love and pain go hand in hand. At times, they are indistinguishable. This is one of those times.

Home Sweet Home

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:09:12 GMT

It is so good to be back here. I feel like my heart is going to burst. It’s not turning out exactly the way I had imagined it, but I’m still glad I made this trip. Some of it is worse than I expected, some of it is way better. The best thing is that I’m having a great time being with my family. I’ve always felt like the outsider, the one that no one understands, but right now I feel like none of that matters because they are just so genuinely happy to have me around. I feel so loved!!!

But holy crap, I forgot how cold Michigan is!!!!!!

Bitch, bitch, bitch...

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 20:55:55 GMT

My algebra professor is such a douche. His lack of organization is stressing me out and pissing me off. I go to class ready to take the test, and he says, "Oops, my printer wasn't working so I can't give you the test today," or some other bullshit excuse. For the Chapter 2 test, he did this twice in a row. In place of giving us the test during either of those two class meetings, he started teaching the next chapter, so then I had to juggle two chapters in my head. For the Chapter 3 test, which was supposed to be this past Thursday, he came in and said, "I'm giving you an extra week to study, so the test will be next Thursday." Yeah, right. He probably fucked up again and wasn't prepared again. Then he starts teaching Chapter 4... I can't believe he's doing this to me again! Anyway, the silver lining is that I have that much-needed extra time to study for the Chapter 3 test, since I was busy studying for the Chapter 2 test while he was doing a shit job teaching Chapter 3 (confused yet?). Also, I was pissed about the delay in Chapter 2, but it turned out to be a good thing because I was studying hardcore for a week and a half, and I got 100% on that test when he finally got around to giving it to us. Boo for him, yay for me. I am still going to file a complaint with the dean of the math department. This guy is such a tool bag.

I still haven't found a new job. This sucks. I was offered two totally perfect jobs - one was an inbound call center job for Fifth Third Bank, and the other was DSL tech support for small business clients at Embarq (the equivalent of Comcast in Florida). Both offered $10+ per hour plus benefits, and they were both part time so it allows me time to go to school. Unfortunately, I had to turn them both down because the training for either job takes place all in one week, and the hours are Monday through Friday from 9 to 5. I have classes every Tuesday and Thursday from 10am to 6:45pm, and I have a quiz or a test in at least one class every week, so I can't skip school for a week. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. Both companies told me that I can apply for the job again after the semester ends, and I will do that, but I need to make more money NOW! So my solution is to just work more hours at the good ol' Cyber Shack Cafe. In spite of my fuckhead algebra professor, it's been a surprisingly easy semester at school. I never have much homework, so I can take on extra hours at work without feeling overwhelmed. The winter lull is coming to an end and we are starting to see more business these days, so I'm making tips again.

I've decided I want to go to Nicaragua this summer. My Spanish professor is taking a group of students to la Isla de Ometepe, where we will be teaching the local children English and doing arts and crafts with them. Then we get to go hiking on the island, hang out on the beach, maybe go kayaking, all kinds of stuff. I've always wanted to visit a Spanish speaking country so I can use my Spanish (Cancun doesn't count, everyone speaks English there anyway). We'll be there for two weeks. The trip costs $1600 plus airfare (which will probably be around $300), and it will take me all summer to save up the money to go, but it will be worth it. My parents have agreed to loan me half of the deposit, which is due in the beginning of April. I'm working up the courage to ask my oldest sister to lend me the other half. If she says no, I am fucked. Every extra dollar I make before April is going towards paying my taxes and then towards my trip to Michigan for Spring Break. There is just so much I want to do and never enough money to do it.

Jonny and I are doing great. I have no complaints about him. But his dog bit me in the face the other night and Jonny's lack of action regarding this issue is extremely upsetting to me. The dog was on his blanket on the floor next to the bed, and I was on the bed, and I leaned over and was petting him and I sorta hugged his head gently, and all of a sudden he growled and then bit my face. He didn't bite hard, and he didn't leave any marks, but he still snapped at my fucking face and that's not cool. Jonny was in the shower at the time, so he couldn't do anything about it, and I wasn't about to wrestle the dog into the submissive position after he'd just bitten me. He could have ripped my arm off if I had tried it. So he just got away with it. This is fucking unacceptable! Our plans to move in together have been postponed indefinitely because the money I was saving for an apartment is now going towards the Nicaragua trip, but Vinnie is going to be around for many years to come and I cannot live with a dog who bites me. I don't give a shit why he bites me, he shouldn't do it under any circumstances!

I should have been studying for algebra the whole time I was writing this blog. Whatever.

The Great American Rampage Tour

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 18:10:02 GMT

I went to the House of Blues the other night to see Nonpoint in concert, along with Skindred, Ankla, and Karnivool. Nonpoint was great, of course. They put on a very high-energy show, and I like the songs from their new album. Skindred has the most engaging front man I've seen since... I dunno, but he's fucking creative as hell. I actually thought Ankla was kind of boring... old school/speed metal kind of stuff, really repetitive.

But it was the opener band that stole the show! Karnivool rocked my face off!

Their front man has a rather high register and almost sounds like he should be singing emo at times, though his style comes across more like something post-rock or indy. But that's just when he's singing... his scream could almost shatter glass. Also, his hooks are intensely emotional. It blends really well and creates such a fresh sound with the band's unique fusion of alternative rock and dark, grinding riffs. It's radio friendly, but also fuckin hardcore. Their songs sweep the entire spectrum of moods of rock, from longing and tortured to angry and explosive.

Their look is kinda funny, but I just chalk it up to the fact that they're Australian... I guess the Aussies like wearing skinny jeans so low on their hips that the inseam hangs down all the way to their knees... whatever. The singer looked like his kid brother gave him his last haircut but he's been growing it out for 4 months, and it had this weird flip to it in the front around his face that kinda made it look like there was a big feather hanging off the side of his head. However, their stage presence more than made up for their lack of aesthetic appeal. Every member of the band twitched and thrashed and glided across the stage, personifying the music through their movements. It was totally mesmerizing.

I will admit that I was completely baked as I watched them play, so I might be remembering this wrong, but I seriously doubt it. I was so taken by this band! For as strongly as I felt while watching them, they must be good when sober as well!

I am pretty sure they were on Ozzfest this past summer with Ankla...

Karnivool is what I wish The Judas Kiss could have been. Oh, well. I'll find something else.

Random Thoughts

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 22:47:09 GMT

I am so fucking sick of school. Thank God the semester is over. My last final exam is on Saturday morning, and then I'm free til January 7th. I forgot my textbook at home today so I couldn't study while I was at work. That really pissed me off. I could have got so much done, but now I'll have to spend all day tomorrow studying instead of doing a little today and a little tomorrow. Fuck.

Going to see Nonpoint in concert tonight... Jonny is so good to me!

My sister bought me a cute shirt for Christmas, but I don't know if I like it. Mom, Micah and Jonny said it looks good on me, but I think it's too trendy for me. I feel like I'm 13 years old when I put it on because the short sleeves poof out at the shoulder, and I am absolutely not a fan of that style. Yet, it is definitely NOT a little girl's shirt, because it shows some major cleavage and is rather open in the back as well. I could learn to like it, but I think I'm going to exchange it for something else. Something that's actually my taste and not my sister's taste thinly disguised as my own. This is why I don't ask my family to buy me clothes for gifts anymore... they always try to dress me like them! However, I do appreciate the gift, and the effort - it has a skull and crossbones on it (seriously, does that sound like me at all?!) and she got it from Hot Topic. It's so funny to me that my style is so fucking foreign to my family. I guess they think Hot Topic is the only place I shop, when in fact I very rarely buy clothes from there. I actually have to search high and low at all kinds of stores to find the clothes I wear.

So here's the shirt:

Haha, you can see on my face just how much I ~~don't~~ love this shirt.

I buy jewelry, belts and various other accessories at Hot Topic, but rarely clothes. All they sell anymore is fucking scene kid clothes (thus the shirt she got me) or chains-on-everything goth, and it's overpriced and of poor quality. The only clothing I've bought at Hot Topic in the last year is my black super-low-rise boot-cut pants by Tripp (okay, okay, they have skulls for the fly button and rivets at the pockets, but they're very tiny), one pair of capri pants, and the halter top I'm wearing in my myspace default picture. The capri pants have two buckles on the front that are constantly coming undone, and I had to cut the boning out of the halter top because they were wearing holes in the thing after I'd only worn it 3 times. See? Shit. Except the Tripp pants. I fucking love those. I wear them like 4 days a week! The belts I wear always cover the skulls, though, so you'd never even see them. So there, I don't wear skulls.

Sorry. That was a very long rant. Thanks for reading.

Hey, I didn't die!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 03:39:12 GMT

So yeah... surgery went fine. They were able to make the incision in a place where the scar won't show, and it should be a tiny, faint scar at that. There was a lot of waiting (surgery was delayed by THREE HOURS), but my surgery only took like 45 minutes. I woke up quite easily with no pain. It started to hurt on the way home, but my good friend Mr. Vicodin is helping me out (I could take another and I'd be pretty loopy, but let's not get crazy here). No nausea whatsoever. So I had like 4 pieces of cheese pizza and a brownie. YUMMY! lol

This morning, I was totally fine. I wasn't scared at all. Not even as they were wheeling me into the OR. I remember sliding from the gurney over onto the operating table, and then the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. I almost remember feeling the breathing tube come out, but it's like that part was only a dream.

The only thing that sucks is that about a minute or two after I woke up, I just started crying for no particular reason, and I kept crying on and off for the first couple of hours, but I think I've got a grip now. They tell me that's just a reaction to the anesthesia.

I miss my boyfriend terribly. I wanted to see him right when I woke up. He came to the house this morning and then drove me to the hospital (my parents followed in their car), but then he had to go to work just before they took me in to prep for surgery. There was no time for him to come visit afterwards, but we did talk on the phone and he's been sooooo supportive. He had to go to band practice because they're working with a new bassist (let's hope he's The One), but I'll see him later. Other than that, though, I'm fine.

It's kind of annoying having to keep this ice pack strapped to me. I'm supposed to wear it for 24 hours. Oh, well.

So my brother and I are gonna watch a movie tonight. Yay! I love my brother!

I feel great. Much better than I expected I would. And it's all thanks to my wonderful friends and family and the love and support everyone has given me in the past few days. It makes this so much easier to know that so many people care and that you're all rooting for me. So thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I love you all!!!!

P.S. I bought the new Puscifer album yesterday (gotta love comfort shopping, tee-hee!). It is definitely NOT A Perfect Circle, and it's even further from Tool. But let me tell you... I like it. I like it a lot. This album... it's pure sex. It's so hot. Hippo doesn't know wtf he's talking about. He must have missed something. Maynard is my hero!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

I can do this!

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 17:30:43 GMT

I was heading to Spanish class this morning, thinking about what I'm going to do after I get my Associate's degree in the spring. It's pretty much useless. The only thing it does for me is prove that I went to college and accomplished something. I was thinking how a Bachelor's degree really would be so much more beneficial... and if I'm studying music, my heart will be in it for once, and I will be able to complete my classes relatively stress-free.

So instead of just quitting school, moving out of my parents' house and getting another stupid job, I think I'm going to go ahead and get my Bachelor of Arts in Music. I'll minor in Spanish, maybe do a second minor in Sound Production or something.

Of course, this is still contingent upon what happens with the band next summer. If we get busy, I won't go back to school, but if August comes and we're still waiting for something to happen, I'll register for classes at UCF.

I know it's the right thing to do. I really fucking hate school, but I'll thank me for this someday.

Rock Stars

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 19:41:34 GMT

I was chillin at home last night with a bunch of rock stars - Incubus, Explosions in the Sky, Kid Rock, and Heart. What a strange group, right? Let me explain.

I was jamming with my guitar last night (ahhh, so this is love... ^_^ ) and I was working on learning how to play "Pardon Me" by Incubus. I can do the intro, and that's it. I was looking up tabs for the rest of the song, but I just don't have the skill to play it yet, so I gave up on that and started watching a bunch of their music videos. Hehehe.

Then I get a text message to turn on my television to Channel 2, and this awesome band from Texas called Explosions in the Sky rocked my face off! I only caught the last half of their last song, but damn... I was impressed! Pablo and I loved their music when we heard it playing at New World Brewery in Ybor City, when we were there for the band photo shoot in August. My brother is a big fan too, so he watched with me last night and he was like, "Oh, that's such-and-such song from such-and-such album..."

Someone has apparently bought me a subscription to Rolling Stone magazine, but I don't know who. I got my second issue this week, and Kid Rock is on the cover. There's a three-page story about how he grew up, his marriage to Pam Anderson, his fist in Tommy Lee's face, and his new album. I've never really liked Kid Rock, in fact I thought he was a big poser trying to act like he grew up in a trailer park when he's really a rich kid from Romeo, Michigan (I grew up about an hour away from there, no big whoop). Well, it turns out he ran away from home a lot when he was a teenager and would live in the ghettos of Detroit and other shitty neighborhoods, and most of his friends were black. He sold drugs to buy records so he could spin at basement parties, and his whiteness was such a novelty that it earned him his nickname - everyone's heard the story about how people would say, "look at that white kid rock!" So I guess he does have street cred. He says he really loved Pam and she just played games and rejected him in the end, and Tommy Lee was a real dick to him over her, so he had it coming when Kid Rock punched him out at the MTV VMAs. The whole point of the story, though, is that he just decided to live like a hardcore rockstar after his divorce from Pam. He sleeps with all the hot chicks he wants and he boozes it up hardcore. So his new album is supposed to be his best work yet. Also, it turns out he has a pretty good sense of humor. I found myself laughing out loud over this article several times. It's interesting... I recommend you read it. RS doesn't publish the whole story online (suxor!), but you can read an excerpt by clicking here. I still don't like his music, but I don't hate him so much anymore... Sure, he's a sleezebag, but he's a badass and that's kinda kewl.

I flipped on my TV again and settled on Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E. Geez, that guy really needs a new hairstyle. DESPERATELY. The episode ended, and I put the sleep timer on my TV, and I was just going to roll over and go to sleep... but then I hear this awesome band rocking out, and I look at the TV, and it's Heart doing "Crazy On You." This was funny to me because my band auditioned a drummer the other night and he asked me if I was into Heart at all, and I was like, "Uh, I'm not really familiar with them," and he was like, "You should be!" and he's right, so I watched the show, which was called Private Sessions. They would play a song and then do an interview segment with the show's host. It was really cool. The singer and the lead guitarist are sisters, Ann and Nancy Wilson. They're, like, my mom's age, but DAMN they rock hard! They were well spoken and had lots of interesting stories to tell about their careers. They also played "Barracuda," and Ann just came out with a solo album that's mostly covers, so they did her version of "Immigrant Song" and it was phenomenal. Her voice just blows me away. Actually, both sisters really kick ass. Watch this and you'll see what I mean:

So when that was over, I finally went to sleep at 5am (!!!). And as I slept, I was hanging out with Brandon Boyd. We were hanging out in a suite somewhere, just the two of us. He was very down to earth, and we were having a great conversation. I totally made out with him, too. LOL! But he was a gentleman and so that's all that happened. Then the rest of the band came in, along with a couple roadies or managers or whoever, and it turned into a small party of sorts. Brandon and I were kickin it on the couch, and he had his arm around me. Then Jose started jamming on the drums, and I said to Brandon, "Hey, can I steal him for my band for awhile?" and he said, "Sure!" Hahahaha... Then I woke up. I was soooooooooooooooooooooo sad to wake up. I wanted to make out with him some more!!!!!! That was like the 8th or 9th time I've dreamed about Brandon and/or other members of Incubus. This wasn't the first time we've kissed, either - Brandon Boyd is like my dreamland boyfriend. XD

Oh my God, I am so pathetic. D:

Roses are red, violets are blue... This poem sucks.

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 15:45:18 GMT

I was reading over some of my old poetry, dated from high school through 2004, and geez... a lot of it was just total garbage. Even the one poem I used to think was my saving grace... sucks. Ugh.

Well, you gotta start somewhere.

But I did find one that I am still proud of, so I'll share it with the class:

Broken Glass
written May 1, 2001
(I was 16 years old)

When I look into the mirror,
I don't see my smiling face.
I see my world of daydreams,
my white and happy place.
That place is true and clear,
no complications to foresee.
But when I try to reach through,
a boundary limits me.
It's then that I realize
my fingers cannot reach.
Fantasy and real life
is a line I cannot breach.
And when glass strikes my hand,
it sprinkles to the floor.
My illusions have been shattered
and the mirror is no more.

Generally, I'm not a very good poet. Writing lyrics is hard as hell, too. I think I'm doing alright with The Judas Kiss, though... they bring out the best in me. ^__^

Nightmare

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 17:35:26 GMT

Last night...

I was wandering through an old, run down building... the walls were concrete or stone. I was looking for someone. I was sure I would find that person if I could just get to the room at the end of this corridor, but it was completely entangled in spider webs. Wall to wall, floor to ceiling. The spider webs began right in front of where I was standing and continued all the way to the end of the hallway. Now, I really hate spiders. You could even say I'm afraid of them. I saw these spider webs and thought, eww, gross, I don't want to touch that, but I'm going to be brave and go in there anyway. So I walked into the spider webs. I was like three feet into it when I saw the spiders. There was a handful of little ones, like the kind you'd see running around your house, and I tried to just ignore them. I did my best to stay calm. But then, right about at eye level, maybe a couple of feet in front of me, I spotted a really huge one. It was like a foot wide. Huge, and black. It didn't move, it didn't make a sound. It did nothing to threaten me. But I was TERRIFIED. I was frozen in fear. I couldn't take another step. As I stood there, and the fear began to overwhelm me, all the little spiders started coming at me, and suddenly there were dozens of them everywhere I looked. I was about to scream. And my heart broke because I didn't have the courage to reach the person at the end of the corridor.

Then I woke up.

I'm so stupid...

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 07:00:43 GMT

I have spent the last four days doing a whole lot of NOTHING. I think I tried to sit down and do homework like 3 times, and I just ended up wasting time doing something else. Like myspace, or solitaire, or reading a magazine, or watching tv.

Didn't need to write a paper for Humanities this week, so no big deal there... I have to write a couple paragraphs about AIDS and Heart Disease for Human Biology, but that's not due til October 10th, so I can afford to put it off for awhile. What I did need to accomplish was 2 chapters of reading and notes for Biology, as well as read chapter 8 in preparation for class twelve hours from now. My prof gives pop quizzes at the beginning of class, and he will include material that we were supposed to read but have not yet discussed in lecture, which is - in my best Nathan Explosion voice - brutal. I will read the new chapter before class tomorrow, but I have no time left to make any significant progress with the notes on the previous two chapters. So I've effectively just doubled the amount of work I'll have for the coming week to catch up.

But you know what? I don't even care. These last few days of just vegging out have been immensely relaxing and it helped me avoid another mental breakdown.

Let me put it this way... I'm not a marathon runner. I'd rather sprint, take a break, and sprint some more until I reach the finish line. I'm too ADD to have any endurance when it comes to studying.

So I've shrugged off the negative feelings of insecurity that surfaced this weekend. I just let it go. There will always be some uncertainty in life and I need to stop being afraid of that. I'm just going to keep pushing forward and see what happens, and whatever happens, I'll deal with it. Simple as that.

All I really needed was some time to relax and stop worrying. I am constantly worrying and thinking and obsessing over things. I can never just sit back and let life happen. So that's what I was trying to accomplish by doing absolutely nothing this weekend. I had to just shut down and reboot.

And now I'm ready to go again. On your marks... get set... GO!

Oh damn, the dog just farted. Nasty!

Balancing Act

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 21:36:45 GMT

YAY! I just finished my homework for the day. I've got the whole week planned out so that I only have to do a little work every day, instead of leaving it all til the last minute. I was such a terrible procrastinator in high school, and the pressure only caused me unnecessary stress. So now I'm being a good girl, setting goals and sticking to them.

This isn't so hard, afterall! Of course, it helps tremendously that my job allows me enough down time to get my homework done.

I guess I'm a creature of habit. School was unfamiliar territory when it started, and it took me a couple weeks to figure out how to balance class, homework, my job, the band, and personal time. I kinda flipped out for awhile there... just breathe, Alison.

But I think I've got it down now. XD

I feel so good! I'm going places, getting things done. I am finally going to achieve something I can be proud of. I'll finally have a degree under my belt (even if it is only an Associate of Arts in General Studies), and I'll have a successful music career...

Because I can do anything I set my mind to.

Thank you, Father. I am so blessed.

Man, it sure is nice to post a blog about GOOD feelings for once!

Dazed and Confused

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 16:50:24 GMT

I've got a lot of hard work ahead of me, but if I play my cards right...

I'll be graduating in Spring 2008 with an Associates Degree in General Studies.

(I can decide later if I'll go to UCF next fall to finish a four-year degree in music.)

I've been in college for 5 years now. I want it to be over. What can I do with an Associates Degree in General Studies that I can't do without it? Well, not much, I know... but who gives a shit? I'm going to make a career as a performing musician, and I don't need college to do that. At least my parents should be somewhat satisfied that I'm a college graduate on some level, and I will be able to say that for once I followed through with something in my life.

Here's how I'm going to do it:

1. Re-take that damn Algebra placement test. I scored a 75%, without studying, and it's been like 6 years since I took Algebra 2 in high school. With a little preparation, I can smoke that test and get out of taking that class.

2. Get through this Fall semester to fulfill one of my Humanities requirements (I'm taking a class on the Roman and Medieval periods), my Social Science requirement (US Government), and my Science requirement (Human Biology). I'm also taking Spanish as an elective because, well, I just want to know how to speak Spanish. It's a beautiful language, and it will be incredibly useful.

3. In a couple of weeks, I'll go see a counselor about applying for graduation.

4. For the Winter semester, I'll take the 2 math classes I need to graduate and the one last Humanities class I need. Plus a Spanish class.

Important: I MUST score well in all of my classes. If I fail even one class, I certainly won't get to walk until 2009. And I don't think they'll let me graduate with a crappy GPA, nor would I want to. I couldn't be proud of that. So I am going to put forth the greatest amount of effort I've ever put into schoolwork.

...which isn't saying much, I guess. I'm so lazy...

But that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it! I'm going to graduate!

And then I'll just see where life takes me. If it takes me on the road with the band, I'll be ready to go. If it leaves my dumb ass sitting here in Orlando with a crappy job, then I'll have to do something about that. I just don't think that a Bachelors degree is the answer to all of life's employment problems. But if I don't come up with a better plan, then sure... I'll get my four-year degree.

I'm so close, I can taste it!

Back to School

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 14:28:31 GMT

OMG!

I start classes today at Valencia Community College. Ugh.

I'm taking Humanities, Biology, Spanish (I'm sooooo rusty), and if I'm lucky I can still get into Alegbra (yuck!). That puts me at 12 credit hours. If I'm unlucky and I can't get into that class, my parents are going to be super pissed.

The problem is that I waited so damn long to get registered that there were very few choices left and so my schedule is kinda weird. I saw a counselor yesterday and she helped me pick these classes, with the exception of Algebra - when I left her office at 7:30 last night, I was signed up for US Government on Friday nights at 6:30pm to 9:15pm - WHAT WAS I THINKING? No way am I taking a Friday night class. So I dropped that class, and I'm trying to switch this morning to Alegbra on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2:30pm to 3:45pm. But it's at the Winter Park campus instead of the West Campus like the rest of my classes. Good thing I'll have two hours to get to my next class.

Valencia has some really retarded policies that irritate me greatly. First, and most annoying of all, you MUST attend the first class meeting or you get dropped from the course. GRR! Second, it seems that every college in Florida requires you to take 2 math classes to graduate. It does not matter what you're studying. SUCK! You are also required to take Composition I and II (same in MI, though), Speech, two Humanities courses, two Sciences, and US Government. It's like high school all over again.

My boss is going to show up in the next 15 to 20 minutes, and I'm going to leave work and run over to the West campus and try to see a counselor to get me into Algebra so I can go to class this afternoon. Then I have to go to the bookstore and get my books for Algebra and Humanities. I don't have the funds to get books for Spanish and Biology just yet, though. Mom says she'll pay me back later tonight. Then I can go get the rest of my books tomorrow.

Thursday is the Incubus concert in Tampa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

Friday... road trip to Virginia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

The next two years are going to fly by so fast. Or at least I hope they do, cuz school sucks.

You are the perfect drug.

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 16:30:54 GMT

God is answering my prayers.

It's really quite amazing to me. Even though I am only just beginning to understand what it means to accept Jesus into my heart, I can see that He's always been with me. I am so blessed.

It's subtle, but if you look closely... you can see God in everything.

I am so happy to be alive. It's exhilarating to say that! It's so ridiculous to think that I used to want to die. For the longest time, I just wanted to give up. And look at me now! No medications, no drugs... I'm just high on life. With the power of prayer, I can get through anything.

I had a really tough time two nights ago. I was feeling so low, I thought about all the ways I used to hurt myself to numb the pain, and for a moment I really wanted to give in. But instead, I touched the cross hanging from my neck, and I prayed. I prayed until those thoughts left me. It gave me the strength to endure, and I survived. Now I feel like I've been rewarded for that choice.

I realize of course that what goes up must come down. When I come down from this cloud, it's going to suck big time. But I just want to enjoy this feeling today.

Ahhhhh... :-D

I am not alone

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 21:52:18 GMT

Thank God my sister bought me another copy of this album for my birthday (it was stolen from me years ago).

Fiona Apple knows exactly how I feel.

"On The Bound"
All my life is on me now
Hail the pages turning
and the future is on the bound
Hell don't know my fury
You're all I need...
and maybe some faith would do me good
I don't know what I'm doing
don't know, should I change my mind
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider
No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me more to do
It's true, I do imbue my blue unto myself, I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't.

"I Know"
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
Baby - I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this - even if it don't make sense
All the time - give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it.

Awww, GROSS.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 19:24:39 GMT

I bought a cup of mixed fruit from 7-Eleven this morning to eat at work. It's got cantaloupe, honeydew, pineapple, and grapes. Of course, there's only like one cube of pineapple, which is my favorite of the lot.

So as I was breaking the seal, I smelled something like vinegar.

Eww.

I opened the cup, and I smelled the pieces, and there was a vague smell of vinegar, but it was mostly just on the edge of the cup and the seal... and I really wanted some fruit... and nothing looked spoiled... so I started eating it anyways.

I eat a grape. Good and tasty. So I have another grape. Also good and tasty.

I eat a piece of honeydew. Mmmm.

I eat the only piece of pineapple. Ooooh, yummy!

I'm thinking, maybe it was just the juice trapped in the seal that was stinky. I looked at the label and it said "Sell by August 21st." That's today. Should still be good. Sometimes milk is still good up to a week past it's Sell By date.

Then I grabbed a piece of cantaloupe from the bottom of the cup and put in my mouth and OH MY GOD THAT TASTES SO AWFUL WHERE'S THE GARBAGE CAN I MUST GET THIS OUT OF MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL...

I almost gagged.

I want my money back, dammit. I want my $2 back.

Fucking 7-Eleven.

Good Things

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 16:40:04 GMT

Happy news...

I stretched my earlobes to a 4g. My sister got me a pair of really cute plugs for my birthday. They're buffalo horn, and the fronts are white with an inlayed black star.

I picked out a guitar on Saturday. I'm getting an Epiphone Les Paul Studio. I am so excited!

I'm getting a new stereo and new speakers in my car as a birthday present from my mom and stepdad!

Also, I have been steadily losing weight over the last year and a half. I got on the scale the other day and realized I've lost about 20 lbs! I am back down to a size 7, which I haven't worn since I was 19. I feel really freaking good about that. The best part is I barely even did anything to accomplish this. I just eat less these days, and it came off all by itself. I think maybe a certain medication was preventing my weight loss, and now that I'm not taking it anymore the pounds just went away. The only bummer is that none of my pants fit me anymore. Mom bought me a pair of shorts and I bought myself a second pair, and that's all I've got. Everything else just hangs on me. Oh well!

All this makes me sound very prideful, but I just want to show that I'm grateful for everything I have. I am so blessed these days. Sooooooo blessed.

Even though I feel like I'm going to throw up right now. Ugh, never again... I swear...

No, wait...

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:48:37 GMT

I'm done being emo. I'm going to show some gratitude for the things that make me happy.

I love my band. I love my band mates.

I really had a lot of fun yesterday. I can see myself working with these guys forever. I felt like such a rockstar yesterday! All the people walking by stared at us as Christy was taking our pictures, and they all wondered who we were and why we're being photographed, wondering if they're witnessing history in the making... and they were, baby! One day, they'll be like "OMG I SAW THAT BAND GETTING PICTURES TAKEN IN YBOR CITY I SHOULDA GOT THEIR AUTOGRAPHS THE JUDAS KISS IS SO AWESOME!"

Mark and I haven't quite figured each other out yet, but we will... in time. We are just very, very different people. There is a big age gap between us. But you know what? He's only a year older than my sister Jessica, and she and I have found our common ground, so I know I can have that with Mark, too. Age is a state of mind, man. And Mark is still very young at heart. Not that he's really an old fart on the outside... lol!

Mark drove us all in his car. He drives a Benz - he's living like a star already! Except we couldn't take my mom's GPS because the power outlet in Mark's car doesn't work, and it doesn't have a CD player, so we had to listen to the radio the whole time. Sade came on the radio, and the guys were like, "OOH, turn it up!" And I said, "What are we listening to?" and they all stopped and stared at me like I'm an alien or something. "IT'S SADE! Don't you know Sade?!?!" ... "Um, I've heard of her, never listened to her music though." They were so shocked! I don't know anything about R&B, rap, soul, Motown, none of that, and that is SO weird to my band mates. What can I say, I'm just a white girl from the suburbs! They're just going to have to get over it. I'm willing to learn, though.

We met up with our photographer, Christy, at a cafe in Brandon, and then we followed her to Ybor City (Ypsilanti folks should know how to pronounce this!), and of course, we got separated twice. After the first time, Pablo went to ride in her car, and the second time, it took us like 10 minutes to find them again. I was on the phone with Pablo, who was repeating directions from Christy, and I was repeating it to Mark, and the whole time Junior was like, "I know Ybor City! I know how to get around this town! Just tell me where we're going and I can get us there!" But there was so much chaos that he was totally being ignored and he was getting pissed and it took us twice as long to get there as it would have if we had just listened to Junior. Oh, well.

The town had a very old-school look. The roads were paved in brick all over the place. We were just walking around scouting out places to take pictures, and we saw a cop car just parked in the middle of the street with it's lights on, and no one in the car. Then we heard gunshots. Christy goes, "That's Ybor City for ya..." So we turned around and went the other way. When we came around the corner, we could see that there was a movie being filmed in front of the bar where we planned to shoot. It was only fake gunshots! Hahahaha...

We got started taking pictures around 3:30, 4pm. We did some pictures in a parking garage (hey TVT, sound familiar? LOL) and on the streets nearby until they were done, then we went into the bar and did a whole bunch more. We eventually took a break for some beer and pizza, and then we shot a few more pictures in the streets before calling it a night around 9:30.

We had some really great conversation with Christy. She is a really cool chick. She has a good eye, and not just for photos. She told us her impression of each of us and the role we each play in the band, and it was spot on. She said Pablo is the serious one, like the leader of the group. Junior is the free spirit, all wild and crazy-like. I don't remember exactly how she described Mark, other than laid back, but she noticed that his attitude is different when he's interacting with Junior than when he's with Pablo. As for me, she said I am an observer, just sitting back and taking it all in. Yep, that sounds like me. At least for now.

This girl really sees things (and people) for what they are. It's part of what makes her such a good photographer.

I acted like such a diva for awhile there. We started shooting wearing the outfits we arrived in. When I went to change into my second outfit, I just couldn't decide what to wear. I put on a little black dress and heels while the guys were taking pictures with their guitars, and when I finished changing I decided I looked like a hussy and wanted to change again. I put on a tank top and my denim skirt with the heels. Then I decided I didn't want to wear heels, so I put on fishnets and my platform boots. Then I went and snapped some solo pictures in that outfit. When I finished, Pablo said, "The heels looked just fine. I liked those better." So I changed back into the heels.

We were getting dressed out of our suitcases in Mark's trunk, and I was whining and complaining that I couldn't find what I was looking for in my bag and that I was all sweaty because it was so hot outside. Pablo joked, "Who's idea was it to have a photoshoot outdoors in August?!" (It was his. LOL) I could tell the guys were annoyed with me, but they were patient and did their best to soothe me. Mark offered me his sleeve to wipe the sweat off. What a sweetheart. By the end of the day, I'd changed my outfit seven times. No joke.

And they kept pusing me to pose in front of them all, or in the middle, or above them... I'm like, "Why do I always have to be the focus? You guys are in this band as much as me!" But they kept telling me I'm the singer and I'm a girl, and that's what people want to see when they look at pictures of us. I keep warning them they're going to give me a big head over this. I know they'll bring me back down if and when that happens, I just don't want to be like that in the first place. I'm trying to remain humble.

At the end of the day, I decided to go crazy and get some pictures by myself in the rain. With my makeup running down my face, I stood in front of some palm trees and other tropical plants in what I call my "classy lady dress," a black figure-skater looking dress with two rows of silver rhinestones down the front. I wore a silver-colored cat collar studded with rhinestones, and I was barefoot. I can't wait to see how those pictures come out!

We took over 200 pictures in about four hours. It was a busy day!

We had a really great discussion about religion while we were eating our pizza. At some point, it occurred to me that every time I talk about my beliefs I always make excuses for my lack of faith. It's how I was raised. I don't know any better. I'm still learning to trust God. But that's all they are, just excuses. I don't live the life because I'm weak and I'm selfish. I want that to change.

I've seen how my life changes for the better when I praise the Lord and I live by His word. I'm going to make a sincere effort to continually glorify Him and look to Him for strength and guidance. And I'm going to stop making excuses. I'm going to stop complaining about the difficulties in my life, and instead I'm going to count my blessings.

Blessing number one: The Judas Kiss! XD

There's nothing I can do.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 06:02:16 GMT

We had our first band photo shoot today. It went very well. I was such a snob about my clothes, I annoyed my band mates more than once (sorry, guys!). I am really excited to see the pictures. They're going to be so awesome.

But all of that is kind of overshadowed by other things on my mind. Let me turn to dictionary.com to illustrate my thoughts while remaining as vague as possible.

in·se·cure [in-si-kyoor] –adjective

1. subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person.

2. not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious: He was insecure about the examination.

3. not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger: an insecure stock portfolio.

So if my fears have been confirmed, and there is certainty in that, and I have already lost what I was hopelessly unable to keep, I guess that means I'm not just insecure. I suppose it would mean that I'm just fucked.

This is exactly how my relationship with Bryan started, and it really destroyed me. Even though one might think that the difference between then and now would make it easier, it actually sucks even worse this time around. It always seems to hurt more each time.

Here I am, going down in flames again. But I'd rather get burned than never feel his warmth.

I will wait.

This just hurts sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Could I push rewind?

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 16:43:58 GMT

A friend will love you in spite of your mistakes, but the best friends are those who will point out your mistakes so that you can correct them. Thank you, Pablo.

So I need to say that what I wrote about Lynette on Wednesday was totally unfair to her. I shouldn't have badmouthed her in a blog for everyone to see. I do love her, and I owe her more respect than that.

It was completely hypocritical of me to whine about how all she ever does is complain. That's just what she and I are like with each other. I complain to her and she listens and it makes me feel better, and then she complains to me and I listen and it makes her feel better. That's just what our relationship is, for better or worse. I just don't have much to complain about these days, so it has been pretty one-sided lately, and I guess I'm just frustrated with her because she never really does anything to fix the things she doesn't like about her life.

I just want everyone to know that I take back those words I wrote. I don't want to be that kind of person, talking smack about friends behind their backs. I know I wouldn't like someone doing that to me.

That said, I'd like to take this opportunity to complain that I don't like my new haircut. I just got it done yesterday evening. I dyed it black with purple streaks and the color is awesome, but the cut didn't come out exactly the way I wanted it. The more I look at it, the more I can't stand it. It's starting to remind me of that Tina Turner wig people wear at Halloween. You know, that shaggy 80's glam rock style. It does NOT flatter me. I think I'm just going to cut it shorter by myself when I get home from work tonight. That way it won't look so stringy.

I am mostly irritated that I spent so much money to get it done, and with the band photo shoot on Sunday I'm afraid I'm going to hate every picture of me because I don't like my hair. This is such a disaster. Even if I fix it, I still won't like it because it's just not what I wanted. It will grow back and I can live with it til then, it's just that now I won't be happy with the band pictures on Sunday. I hate pouting like this. I don't want to be pouting through the whole photo shoot because I feel like I look stupid. I wanted the photo shoot to be fun, and now it's ruined because all I'll be able to think about is how I should have just left my hair the way it was.

Regret is the worst feeling in the world to me.

Love/Hate

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 19:38:47 GMT

So... Miami...

It went exactly as I expected it would. I spent way too much money and I really don't feel like it was worth it. I really only went because I felt obligated to see Lynette. I love her like a sister, because we have history, but I don't like to hang out with her anymore. We don't like the same clubs and we don't like the same music, and all she ever wants to do when we "go out" is hang out at clubs I hate.

She dragged us into this club called Macarena, even though she was the only one who wanted to go there. The music was like shitty 90's style club remixes of latin singers like Shakira. Everyone in that club was Latino; we were the only white people there. This is where we spent most of the evening.

Lynette and Jon got into a stupid fight on Saturday night. She started telling me how she disapproves of certain lifestyle choices I make (like she always does) and she told Jon that he's a bad influence on me, Jon was like, "Well, you don't know what you're talking about, so you should just shut the fuck up," which was way out of line, even though I felt like she kinda deserved it. I was like "Jon, knock it off," but they started bickering, and Lynette's husband Brian blew up. He screamed, "Everybody stop! And you, don't tell my wife to shut the fuck up! You do not talk to her that way!" Jon apologized, and Lynette accepted, and then everybody was silent for the rest of the car ride. When we got together the next day, everybody pretended that the fight hadn't happened, and everyone was polite for the rest of the trip.

We did walk by Miami Ink, which was on the same street as Lynette and Brian's hotel. There was nothing to see, though. There were two tattoos artists in there, and one guy was getting a tattoo, but they weren't anyone important. We took pictures of ourselves standing in front of the store, just like all the other dorky tourists. Later, we waited in line to get into Love Hate, the bar owned by the Miami Ink guys, but it was already 1:30am and I could hear that they were just playing some awful rap music, so I said "Let's just call it a night, guys," and the others agreed.

The beach was nice. The sand was hot, but soft. The water was warm and inviting. The topless sunbathers were all good looking. I didn't get sunburned. It was the perfect day at the beach.

So that was my trip to Miami. And that's all I have to say about that.